ASK THE EXPERT by Joey Nesler
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Q:: I have a four-year-old boy who desperately wants a baby brother. My husband and I have been trying to have another child for sometime now and after many trials we have come to learn that adoption is our only option. If we choose to adopt I need to know how to go about the emotional strings—do I tell the baby and my son that our new child is adopted? How do I explain what adoption is? What if my son doesn’t love the baby as much as he would if it were his biological brother? Please advise.

A:: Absolutely! Without exception, parents should talk openly about adoption with their children. If at all possible, children should first hear the word “adoption” in their parent’s loving voice.
 
Explaining adoption will be a lifelong conversation with your children. Your child’s capacity to understand adoption will improve with every developmental level. At four-years old, your little one may be able to use the words appropriately, but he probably won’t grasp the big picture until later.
 
Don’t let his limited understanding stop you from having conversations with him. The repeated experience of hearing the word “adoption” from you in a positive, comfortable manner is important. Use adoption language from day one, so that your family is at ease with the words and your children hear them at home first.
 
When talking about adoption with your son, keep the language simple. One way to conceptualize adoption is to talk about how your son grew in your tummy; the new baby is growing in his birth mother’s tummy as well as growing in the love in your heart.
 
Read children’s books about adoption, before and after the new baby arrives. There are a number of wonderful books. Look for one that reflects your family experience—especially books that include a big brother.
 
Teach your child the words he can use to communicate with you about adoption; invite conversations about feelings and questions related to adoption. Decide on how your family will refer to your child’s birth mother (e.g. by her name, as “first mommy,” etc.).
 
Include your son in the process—in an age-appropriate manner—and have him help pick out a stuffed animal for the new baby, decorate a frame for a family picture (to be taken later), etc. Don’t ask him if he does or doesn’t want the baby. Some decisions are just for the adults to make and he isn’t prepared to cope with either answer.
 
Your son’s relationship with his new sister or brother will have the same challenges as any sibling relationship; be cautious about attributing too much to the added layer of adoption. As in any human relationship, there is the potential for attachment or love to develop.
 

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